A Friend In Need

 When I was growing up the adults would talk in hushed tones,about people in the family who had done something shameful or had fallen out with other members of the family. Every family had someone who was not on talking terms with someone else. Usually it would be something that was said many years ago,that had been too hard to forgive and so had festered causing embarrassment and bad feelings at family gatherings.
 I have a younger brother, he struggled with the idea of monogomy for several years. My mum learnt early on to never address girls on the phone by their first name, just in case Casey had become Lacey but Casey didn't know that yet. He had a marriage that was turbulent, they lost a baby and it ended badly. Then he met a woman who changed that. She already had a young child,was pregnant with another but the father didn't want it, so she needed somewhere to stay. She shared the house with my brother as friends at first, then later they got together, they married and eventually had a child of their own. This woman was different from his previous relationships. She was intelligent, good with money(he is not), seemed to tame my brother making him responsible. I liked her, she was kind, genuinely cared for my brother.
 Over the years we had family gatherings, our children played together. They moved away, but we would see them from time to time, catch up. Then our eldest daughter died, part of helping our kids to carry on ,was taking them to visit their grandparents. We stayed with my parents, did the zoo, swam, played tennis. One day my mum pulled me aside to warn me about something odd that had happened on their last visit to my little brother's. We were due to stay with them for a few days so she thought I should know.My sister in law had gone into a long tirade about how we had not looked after my daughter properly,should have done more to save her. My mum had been shocked, hurt and told her that under no circumstances was she to repeat what she had said when we visited. I was confused, I couldn't imagine her being so cruel, about us and to my mum too, when she had just lost her first grandchild.
 No more was said, my brother picked us up and took us on the drive to his house. When we arrived my brother was embarrassed, nothing had been prepared for our visit. The house was messy, there was no beds made up for us,no grocery shopping had been done. When his wife came home they rowed like we weren't even there, she didn't want us there. We were stranded hundreds of miles from home and not welcome. The next couple of days were some of the worst I ever went through. My daughter had only been dead a few weeks, we needed support, stability. We tried one day out to a farm,we had to take two cars, I got to share with my sister in law. I spent two hours being subjected to how I hadn't done enough for my daughter, how if it were her daughter she would still be alive, how we were not welcome in her house,how they couldn't afford to feed us all and now she had to drive us all to a day out she didn't want to go on.When we reached the farm I took my husband aside and told him that we were to pay our own way even if my brother wanted to treat us, I would explain later.
 I was so glad to leave that house. We visited my other brother and his wife, they were kind, good to the kids. We went back to my parents house and I told my mum what had been said. I was angry and upset.She told me not to tell my brother what had been said in the car. Their relationship was in trouble and it might tip it over the edge. So I said nothing,but I hated her for what she had said and for when she had said it to me.
Time went on, I didn't have much contact with them, if a family event came up, I just bit my tongue. My dad would read me the riot act about not starting an argument, but it was uncomfortable. Over time I learned to be polite, they lived so far away I didn't have to deal with it. Then I lost my mum, followed by dad and contact between my brother and I was sporadic at best.
 A few months ago, I joined facebook, to keep in touch with family and loved that my little brother and I could laugh and share stuff like we did years ago. My sister in law sent me a friend request, I ignored it, a few months went by. Today, I got a private message from my brother asking me why I had ignored her request, had she upset me in some way? I had to sit and think long and hard about my answer. Should I forgive and forget, call her a friend again? I can't forget,I don't know if I will ever forgive and any friendship we had should have prevented her from saying the things she did.Nearly eight years have gone by since this happened, even though I knew that a day would come when I would have to deal with it, I was shocked at how bad it still hurt and how angry I still felt.I decided to be truthful with my brother without going into details.
"I knew one day you would ask me this.Several years ago Jackie said some things about the way we dealt with Sophie's illness which we and mum found very upsetting.I wanted to have it out with her,but mum asked me to leave it, so I did. If there is a lack of sisterly love on my part this is why. Sorry."
I haven't heard back from my brother, but I am relieved to have got it off my chest. I felt annoyed that something that had caused me a lot of grief over many years, had not even occurred to her, as a reason why I would not want to be her "friend".