A Place for Everything and Everything in it's Place.

I like to think I am an organized person There was a time when our whole lives were ruled by schedules and routines. Our eldest child, Sophie had a disability, a form of autism. She was very clever and demanding but her understanding of the world and people around her was chaotic, frightening. Above all other things she needed was to know exactly when, how and where the next part of life would unfold. The unknown was an insurmountable terror. She needed routine in order to function.
 When she was first diagnosed, we were actually relieved that there was something wrong. This sounds odd, but we had put everything into being good parents and were not seeing the same results as other parents,some who were only making a half hearted attempt. Her disability affected her physically, balance, fine motor skills, interpreting signals from her body to the brain. One test that really scared me was, when they asked her to close her eyes,then asked her to point to where on her body the stick had just touched. There was no correlation. She was miles away every time. Her behaviour had always been challenging and she had very little in the way of social skills at first. Pretend play was totally alien to her. She could play in amongst a group of children but couldn't play with them.
 We were told that in order for her to feel secure and develop she had to have routine. So it began. Everything had to be scheduled, even meals. If it was Tuesday then we would be having pasta, so that was one less worry for her etc. Toothbrushing, bathing, bedtime, all with their own little rituals and procedures. Going somewhere new was a nightmare, we had to research every aspect of the building, the trip there and prep her for it in advance not knowing if she would cope. She couldn't tell when she was hungry or full and ate until she was sick a couple of times. Not knowing when she needed the toilet was overcome with routine. This kind of back fired on us as she went according to a routine not by demand so a day out could entail several trips backwards and forwards to the toilet for no reason.
 I taught her to make lists of things we needed for trips so she could feel in control as though she was navigating and predicting the outcome. She loved food shopping working from a list and gradually could bear surprises and extras even if they were not on the list. I'm sure she probably added them and amended the list as we went round.She started to plan Christmas about ten weeks in advance and compiled list after list of things that we had to have or it wouldn't be Christmas.These lists had to be strictly adhered to.
 The result of all this strategy and order was that it kind of flowed out into all aspects of life.There are set cupboards for things in the kitchen and each item has it's place. Utensils are hung in a certain order from the rail at the back of our range cooker. The one the kids find a hoot is how I can't just put canned goods in the cupboard, they have to be organized in rows with labels facing out. They like to go in the pantry and mess with them to "keep me on my toes". One that drove hubby RC mad for a while was how,when he helped peg out the laundry,I would have to go and repeg it the way I liked it. I have best china, christmas china and everyday china. The thought of using these at the wrong time used to fill me with dread. When my husband's late aunt used to stay with us at christmas she liked to help and dry the dishes. I would thank her, make her a cup of tea and when she was comfortable in the other room put the forks and spoons back in the order they should be in the drawer.
 You'll be glad to know that hubby RC doesn't have to live under this OCD dictatorship so much these days. Gradually over the last nearly eight years I have gradually relinquished most of these orders and rituals. Mealtimes are more flexible, once in a while we have takeaway. Although it was pointed out to me last night as I was dishing up roast potatoes(Thursdays)that it was Monday and I hadn't made a curry. I can stop the worry now that the whole week is up the creek because Thursday became Monday and Tuesday(pasta)might become Friday(pizza). You see no one minds anymore. I do still slip into set meals for set nights sometimes just out of habit,but most of the time it is the great unknown at mealtimes.
 There were times in the early days after we lost Sophie that it felt wrong to change things. But children have a wonderful way of lightening the situation. When I had relaxed a routine or changed round furniture they would laugh and say"Sophie's not going to like that". When her picture in the kitchen kept coming off the wall (no broken cord or hook), it would be "See told you so".It's strange how sometimes we strive to keep everything as it was when somebody dies,as though they are going to return and need it just the way it was. So much has changed in our household over the last eight years,I sometimes feel guilty that she would not recognize or feel at home in this house. I have had terrible guilt dreams where she returns, mising not dead and is confused and hurt,at how we have moved on without her.But life does move on and our other children need to see this, there has to be living after death.
 The hardest thing to change was Christmas. The lists(I still have them),were so precise that the only way to get through those first few Christmas's was to not have Christmas in any recognizable form. We let chaos rule.There was no set Christmas dinner. You could eat whatever you want as long as one of those things were sensible and you weren't sick.If you wanted a certain meal then mum or dad would prepare it at your whim.You could slob in PJ's all day. No special Christmas clothes. You could stay up as late as you want.The kids loved it. We loved it. Gradually we have been drawn back to a more traditional Christmas, but it did take about five years.My daughter Cicely's days of ferrero rocher for Christmas dinner came to a close,she likes them for breakfast now.